How can someone love you if you don’t even love yourself?
That’s a tough question. 
We’ve talked about value before. In fact, I’ve mentioned it several times. So here goes. Here is one of my biggest fears. I’m going to be as open as possible, because maybe that’s a way to heal. If it doesn’t challenge me then it won’t change me. I had difficulties articulating this in counseling today. Maybe I’m just not ready to talk about it with someone as in depth as we would go in counseling. I’ve shared it with only a handful of people. I’m so scared. What if I don’t ever find someone to love me? And how can I? I don’t even love myself. I find no value in myself. I am broken and dented. Who wants someone who has so many problems? What could I offer a person? Nothing, as far as I can tell, except for stress, sadness and being a burden.
I’ve often wondered why. For the longest time I wasn’t interested in sharing my life with anyone. I had school to focus on. I was very busy with my dog. And yes, I was very happy with that. I wasn’t craving any other relationship. These days, I have plenty of friends and I have my dogs, and no, I still don’t ever intend to have children and perhaps I won’t ever marry either, but having someone to share my life with would be nice. It would be nice to experience something different. And without it, I find myself lost and in a daze lately. Am I not good enough? It’s certainly beginning to feel like it. Putting myself out there is difficult and though I’ve tried doing so, I have yet to see any progress. Instead, it seems to be making things worse.
So how do you deal with that? Do I just give up? Should I just begin to accept that maybe this isn’t what my life is meant to be like? How do you cope with something that tears at you so much?
It seems like such a trivial and stupid problem to have. Something so simplistic and naive. But it’s something I’d like to at least experience in life. Why can’t I just have that normal life and live it to the fullest? It could be a number of reasons, but mainly, it’s because I just feel broken. And who wants to spend their days piecing together broken glass?
365 Questions 
When I was in middle & high school, I never had any guy friends. I never got any attention from the opposite sex. I was quiet, self-conscious, and ugly, in my opinion. I wanted a boyfriend so badly, so I could fit in, so I could consider myself “normal” instead of a freak, so I could have some validation that I was pretty and had worth. My parents & sisters even went so far as to wonder if I was homosexual because I’d never had a boyfriend or even talked to guys. And this made me feel extremely shameful, and dislike myself even more.
It was between the senior year of high school and freshman year of college that I developed an attitude of “I don’t give a fuck.” I literally looked at everyone around me with negativity. But I also finally accepted the fact that I was not going to find a boyfriend – EVER, for the rest of my life – to validate my worth. I began to believe and accept the fact that I would be single my entire life. So I knew I had to find my worth elsewhere: within myself.
That’s when Dustin came into the picture. And you can ask him yourself, I kept my walls up solid for a long long long time because I was afraid it was all a lie. After all, after all this time how could this one guy suddenly be thinking about me in *that* way and want me as “more than a friend”. He came close to the point in giving up on me, because I refused to think that someone else believed I was worth loving. I mean, I had just began to believe in my own self-worth. I was afraid that this guy would come in and prove to me that I really was worthless, so I didn’t want to let him in.
It sucked accepting the fact that I was NEVER going to have a boyfriend, that I would be single the rest of my life. But it was also one of the most freeing things I ever did for myself, because I let go of the want and the need that stressed me out, worried me, and weighed me down. Accept the fact and move on. Of course as the saying goes, “Everything you ever wanted comes the moment you stop looking for it.”
❤
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